The die voices

Any one else really struggle with what I call my die voices? I can be getting on with something really well and then all of a sudden I hear or think (not sure which one) "I want to die", or maybe just the word "die" or I am thinking about my funeral or what will happen to my family after I die. Some days in the winter I can spend most of my day with my mind being invaded with this. Am I totally crazy? Strangely I don't want to die - I am not suicidal, just want the voice to stop.

Thanks Amalthea, glad to know it is not just me. I find it so hard to explain to people what it is like being inside my head in the winter! People get cross with me because they think I am not paying attention they just don't know how noisy it can be in my head, coupled with being unable to concentrate or think about anything any way! I just try to function in the winter these days and make up for it in the Spring and Summer! But some days I just can't do it and have to have a space staring day.

Hey peeps!
I find this stuff fascinating reading.
Everyone is crazy in their own ways but some hide it better and some don't even recognize it as a problem.
I think alot of mental anguish centers around obsessive thought patterns which are triggered by over analyzing situations and conversations. We all do it just to varying degrees.
I read that you need to follow these thought processes to a conclusion otherwise they become a reoccurring pattern.
So the death and dying carry on, you'd actually way up the pros and cons of dying or killing someone and would you/they be better off, how would you go about it etc and eventually you'll hopefully conclude it aint a good idea. But the point is you'll have followed a thought process to a conclusion rather than trying to shake it from your head at it's initial conception which leaves the sequence unfinished and requiring further attention.
I've also read that you should allow these type of thoughts to just pass through your mind like chatter in a busy bar because after all they're only thoughts and not actions so don't dwell on things that haven't happened or aren't real.
Who knows what the answer is i think we all find our own coping mechanism . My mind is quite a calm place now but it still has it's ups and downs, i've not touched ADs for years and this is why in my opinion i have such clarity and peace of mind.
I'm fully aware that my brain is like a bingo machine with regards to thoughts but this is happening in the background and not at the forefront of my mind but, when i took ADs i was aware of every single thought and sub thought and probably the data stream that made them in other words information over load. This tied in with a steady obsession with death and dying which i never had before.
So after a couple of years of that bollocks I kicked them into touch got a good light some herbs and vitamins and hey presto i'm twice the man i was.
Don't know if these ramblings were of any use to you but it killed 20mins.

ps Do really stupid and unintelligent folk go through mental anguish?

Regards OBE

Yes, lately, whenever I catch the trolley to work, I sometimes picture myself walking onto the tracks as the trolley pulls in. What bothers me about the images is how vivid they are and how "accessible" something like this is for me to just do.

Not that I ever have, in the years I've been dealing with SAD and riding the trolleys in to work.

My thoughts are always of a mostly passive method. Again, not that I've ever followed through on any or plan to.

What does kind of scare me is that I hate to make mistakes... or rather, I hate to think of other peoples' reactions to my mistakes. That's when the thoughts get real intrusive... when my brain tells me it's easier to "give up" than to face humiliation.

In the wintertime, it's always about what seems to be the most effortless way of dealing with things. I just have to fight to keep my head on straight.

I sometimes just get really frustrated when I can't express myself. I have a friend who is hurting really badly right now because she didn't get a job (THE job she wanted, not just any old job). She cried in front of me, and I couldn't bring myself to reach out and give her a hug. I felt like a robot and all of my words seemed so hollow. It's like I don't have the "emotional energy" in me.

It's always very hard for me to express myself emotionally, though. I'm afraid that if I let a little out, it'll be like opening the floodgates, and this wasn't even ABOUT ME! How selfish! I'm such an awkward person! I guess I'm so used to me being "closed down" about my feelings, that I stop being able to react to others' feelings appropriately.

Not that this has any direct or indirect relation to the conversation, but I spent yesterday having crying fits. Our office is organizing a huge annual project that should conclude this weekend and our CEO has been seriously ill -- Yesterday, he told everyone that the doctors gave him a few months (3 mo. at most) to live and he's going to keep on working until he can't anymore. He went into some detail as to what we can expect to see happen. I'm just feeling shaken, emotionally exhausted and less ready than I was to be heading into this huge project that happens every year at this time (of all times!)

I'm sure we'll be able to pull of the project yet again, but I'm just feeling emotionally rundown.

Hi all

I'm with OBE on this one, it's really interesting, and totally frustrating -for me at my worst i feel like I'm having a battle with myself - the random "step out in front of the bus, go on, it's easy" pops into my head followed by the rationalisations "don't do it, what about the poor bus driver? my family would be devastated etc" and one of the strongest "what if it didn't work and I ended up with brain damage?" For me one of the worst things about SAD is the decline in intellecual functioning - can't string a sentence together, people must think I'm an idiot etc. so the thought of doing something to myself which might leave me permanently like that is enough to stop me, but the working though it in 2 minutes standing at the roadside is absolutely knackering!

i think the point I'm trying to make is that if you're beating yourself up about how stupid people think you are, and getting angry with yourself about not being emotionally available for other people you'll just exhaust yourself more.

Amalthea, I'm not surprised you feel a bit shaken up - listening to someone give a graphic rundown on a terminal illness would knock anyone sideways, SAD or not. I'm all for sharing feelings, but I do think that's a bit unfair of your CEO to offload all that on everyone. Obviously it's going to affect some people worse than others.

Finally (sorry, this is a bit War & Peace) do stupid people get SAD? my mums friend said to me that stupid people don't spend their time thinking about all the bad stuff in the world, they just go out at the weekend, drink their bodyweight in alcopops and take a total stranger home with them. (funny... my SAD didn't kick in til my late 20's...hmmm)

take care of yourselves.

I've had the die voices and active thoughts of suicide when I wasn't on meds. I was on my way to carrying out a plan the last year of not on meds. That's when i knew it ws time to take meds or I'd die.

I've struggled w/ wanting to die all my life since a kid. I just get to the point where I want the suffering to end any way it can and I don't care anymore if I have to die to do it.

Jeanne

I totally know what you mean Susie. Only I don't have kids, I feel SAD has taken that option from me too. But I do have people that love me and would feel the gap and I'm rational enough to know how much suicide messes people up. I've wondered why family/friends often never get over a suicide. If only they knew the incredible year after endless year battle a person w/ depression goes through. They might be able to accept that "she" fought w/ a debilitating chronic illness until she couldn't anymore, like people often can't fight off cancer anymore. but know one thinks of it that way. I guess they must always live w/ feeling like there was something they could have, should have, failed to do.

Jeanne

Yep I agree with all that,and obe sounds a right cheeky chappie!!!!

i have these thoughts to. bt not suicidal im petrfied of death and when i think about it i have panic attacks im a nearvous wreck i feel like its taking over my life