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Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 02:27 13 December 2007

Folks,
I'm sorry to post this. Actually, really all I want to do right now is to stay away from people. Knowing how strongly I don't want to be posting makes me realize how much I ought to be looking for support.

I've barely been able to keep my eyes open at work. My mood was holding out until tonight. Night-time tends to be my worst time... when things sneak up on me.

Right now is one of those times I feel my muscles tensing and I would just be sitting and staring if I gave in. And having a panic attack. I was sitting here when all of the sudden I have this thought, "I'm dying..." and my insides just knotted up and I just wanted to crawl out of my own skin to get away from what I feel right now. I feel like I want to scream, cry... I just feel awful inside.

I know I can't just give in to it and that it's not me... I really, desperately need to get myself to bed. I nearly fell asleep while i was talking to someone at the trolley stop... I'm just not getoing to get to slepep like this. In this state.

Part of me just wants to keep talking here because I feel like I'm talking to someone and I hate to be alone like this. I also feel like I want to just erase this message, but I'll be crushed if I do.

I'll be OK... I just can't believe I'm feeling like this. I've been doing well... I am going to try to make myself do some yoga or take a hot bath... I'm just making myself worse by not helping myself get to sleep.

So sorry, people... I try to stay positive, but I'm honestly scared tonight.

- H
lovethesun
joined 29 Nov 2007
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Posted by lovethesun, 02:35 13 December 2007

i know what you mean i feel like i live my whole winter in the dark and its very depressing you just want to go to sleep at like 4pm and not wake up till 10am the next day
Oley
joined 13 Dec 2007
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Posted by Oley, 03:30 13 December 2007

Night time can be HORRIBLE for me too. I have been through a few nights like yours, with the panic attacks and the desperate need to get to sleep. I spent from 10 pm until 6 am one night just blankly staring at my computer and half-heartedly clicking my stumble-upon button because everytime I would try to fall asleep I would panic and have to pace around =/. Oh, actually, I find that the best thing to do /IS/ to talk to people. What a friend and I decided to do is next time I have a horrible panicky night, I can call him and he'll talk with me and read me some meditations from a book he's got which would hopefully calm me and lull me to sleep! I truly hope the best for you! -Oley
Bagpuss
Bagpuss
joined 10 Nov 2007
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Posted by Bagpuss, 08:43 13 December 2007

Sorry you've been feeling so bad Amalthea, nobody minds you talking about how you feel on here, you should never apologise. Most people here can empathise with you. How are you feeling today?
PurpleIvy
PurpleIvy
joined 16 Mar 2005
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Posted by PurpleIvy, 08:56 13 December 2007

Hi Amalthea, sorry to hear that you aren't doing so well. I've been exactly in the same place as you this week, mood was holding out well and then suddenly ka-pow, there it was gone. I'm trying to regard it as a temporary thing and telling myself that today is another day...have a client coming, so just have to clear up and get on.

YOu don't ever need to apologise here about telling people how you feel, there is bound to be someone else feeling as you are, even if they don't say so, they will relate to what you are saying. We all help each other.

Hoping that today is a bettter day for you.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 11:21 13 December 2007

Thank you, everyone. This morning, I'm feeling vulnerable and still panicky. PurpleIvy, it's like you said... it hit suddenly and really hard... and the panic is the fear of it. I've been trying very hard to be aware of my thought process, kind of keep on top of anything that could get out of hand. I'm angry that the SAD has such a hold on me, that I can go along thinking I'll be A-OK, and then suddenly, it's staring me straight in the face again!

Deep breathing is also helping a lot with the panic feelings. My stomach feels kind of sick though, now that I've made myself have breakfast.

Oley, night-time is so awful when I'm having bouts with the SAD.

I'm concerned about the anxiety I've had associated with SAD. I don't recall it being quite like that in previous years, but then again, in between episodes, I tell myself that I'm not going to have another round of SAD... that everything's OK. No wonder I feel shaken.

Wish me luck... I'll be the only one answering phones this afternoon at work. I think I can do it, but I've got to take good care of myself today and tonight.
Piglet
Piglet
joined 12 Oct 2006
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Posted by Piglet, 11:59 13 December 2007

Hi all, I'm similar this week as well, really hacked off with everything, work especially and also trying to remind myself that everything just feels worse because of the SAD.

I get frustrated at my inability to deal with things that during the rest of the year would be a breeze :-(

Sorry that others are going through the same thing. Roll on the Spring....

Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 12:11 13 December 2007

Hi everyone. I get the same feelings but the evenings a better for me. the mornings I get out to the gym its the afternoon that drags. Come on Spring.
sandyb
sandyb
joined 31 Oct 2007
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Posted by sandyb, 12:12 13 December 2007

Hey Amalthea

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Don't get angry with yourself about it. It's an illness, not a weakness, and sometimes it effects us more than at other times. What I've learnt from my own horrible winter so far is that we have to accept that we may have really bad days and not blame ourselves for it. Spent so much time this year beating myself up for 'failing' by suffering from sad again and only now am I realising that this has left me with little energy to actually deal with the symptoms.

Stay strong honey and hope this night is better for you.

Sandy x
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 13:20 13 December 2007

Thanks again for your posts. As I told someone else, this forum is a life-line.

And Sandy, you're exactly right. All along, I tell myself that I'm "stronger" now and it's not going to get to me anymore... And then I end up feeling panicked.

I've managed to avoid a full-on panic attack, thankfully. I've had obsessive thoughts chattering in my head all morning (I remember a post a few weeks ago where I said my head was mostly just silent - no chatter... I was just in denial!). I put on my headphones and made myself mentally sing along with the music. Lots of soothing, reassuring music... a little Christian music, too.

I have been aware of my breathing, too. I take slow, deep breaths. I know that right before a panic attack, I often just want to stare and my breathing changes. So, I'm refusing to just let it happen.

Sometimes when I start to slip into a funk, I've told myself that there's no use fighting it... to just "let it happen." Anyone else ever been at that point? Sometimes it just feels so hopeless, like it's inevitable. Thank goodness for my light therapy, or that's where I'd be right now. I have also started talking to a friend, and have admitted that my apartment is a wreck, I don't feel like going with her to activities right now, that I have been needing to go ACROSS THE STREET to the grocery store for awhile now... and that I just haven't been able to pick myself up to do this stuff. She's supportive, and I am so thankful for her. She's offered to help, but I don't think I'm low enough that I can't do these things... Just that I desperately need to crash and sleep for however many hours it takes before I can try to take on the world again, one little thing at a time.
paulst
joined 5 Oct 2005
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Posted by paulst, 15:41 13 December 2007

HI amalthea,im sorry you are feeling so ill, I will be thinking about you, really hope you start to feel better soon.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 16:38 13 December 2007

Hi amalthea, I hope you feel better soon. I know it is tuff to do things. I haven't cleaned in 3 weeks needs to be done but don't feel like it. Thank God for Hubby.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 17:49 13 December 2007

Really and truly, there is nothing like SAD to humble you.

Tonight I will try to sleep as long as I need. I am considering getting a desk-style lamp for work. I wonder if I should run it by my boss, first. I'm looking at the one that JeanneinCanada suggested in another thread.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 18:05 13 December 2007

I don't work I am a homemaker. I think your boss would understand. I don't know about the desk lamps I have a daylight from the USA. it is big. So that would be no good for work.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 18:37 13 December 2007

Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 19:09 13 December 2007

lookes like a good one to me and it doesn't cost alot.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 19:24 13 December 2007

I just asked my boss and understands and didn't make a deal of it. I'm trying not to tear up because I'm quite grateful.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 20:32 13 December 2007

its okay to tear up but bosses do understand over 45 million people have sad. glad to here you will have a desk lamp to help you through the day.
PurpleIvy
PurpleIvy
joined 16 Mar 2005
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Posted by PurpleIvy, 22:01 13 December 2007

My new lamp has been despatched, so hoping it will arrive tomorrow, paid for express delivery to make sure it comes before the weekend. I haven't got my other one back from the hotel, they deny all knowledge of it. I still have the brite spark, but I don't seem to have the amount of time every day that I need, don't need as long with the other one, also can lie in bed with the other one! LOL!
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
500 posts

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Posted by Amalthea, 06:37 14 December 2007

I'm glad to hear you're getting a new lamp soon, Ivy! It's a shame they couldn't have returned your old lamp to you from the hotel. Definitely a real worry for me, should I travel with a lamp in the future!

I'm awake at 1:30am (my time). I came home and went straight to bed. I woke up with a sore throat, stuffy head. I am feeling a bit better, SAD-wise. I think most of the lingering feeling is just fear. I'm not really sure how to deal with it.

I don't want to be fearful about SAD, but I don't want to be in denial, either. I remember when I was out in the woods when I had my first bout with SAD this year -- intense loneliness and panic/fear. It was actually the fear of how I felt that perpetuated the panic attacks... when you have one, you fear having another and it becomes almost inevitable unless you break the cycle.

I've had asthma since I was born, and you'd think I'd have some fear of the next attack. I don't, really. I wish I knew why I don't feel the same way about SAD. I've had SAD since I was about 13... but I learned the diagnosis, either when I was in college... Yes, I think in 2000.

Maybe I'm still not thinking quite clearly. Is anyone here not afraid of their symptoms? I don't want to tempt the "panic attack" cycle. I think I'm going back to bed for now.


Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 11:37 14 December 2007

Woke again at 5am, feeling considerably better. Back at "baseline" which is neither "up" nor "down", mood-wise. The anxiety is gone again. I still wonder how to cope with the fact that it's probably going to happen again... Is there a better way to be prepared for it?

What a pain in the neck this all is... and I only say that knowing it's the understatement of the year (and I don't like to curse!). ;)
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 12:13 14 December 2007

Glad to hear you anxiety is gone. You need to keep your mind on other things so it doesn't come back and when it does breath deep and think of other things. That is what helps me.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 12:53 14 December 2007

I know. I hate knowing that it's always there and I'm not totally in control. I'm concerned about unexpected events at work or anything that might throw me back into a "low."

I listened to some good, upbeat music on the way in to work today. I took my vitamins, fish oil and all those things that probably give me an extra boost. And of course I used my light this morning.

So, I guess I'm doing what's in my power to do. I hate to think about how I had been feeling.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 16:20 14 December 2007

I know I went to the doctors and she said that I could also have bipolar. that wasn't very good. Just because I get down the winter and happy in the spring and summer. she says I am to happy but who wouldn't be with the warm weather and the sun shinning
paulst
joined 5 Oct 2005
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Posted by paulst, 17:48 14 December 2007

Hi Amalthea, glad things are getting better for you,its great you are getting a new lamp purplelvy, I think I will have to do something about my light, I sure its dimmer than it used to be. I think I might look in my piggybank and see if I can get a larger lightbox.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 16:34 15 December 2007

Whew... a few days time and a little self-care makes a tremendous difference.

Sleep was almost luxurious last night... I really needed it terribly.

I decided that giving myself some time around the house this morning to make a little progress would make me feel loads better about trying to go out. I said I didn't have to leave the house until noon... which is 30 minutes from now.

I filled the bird-feeder and watched some birds while I watched a show on TV for a bit.

I took my arthritis medication early this morning so I wasn't sitting around and aching. Breakfast was a new twist... some wholegrain waffles with strawberry yogurt. I was full!

I decided to take my housework tasks just a little at a time. I'd planned just to do a load of dishes. I put on some music. One load of dishes made the kitchen look tons better... I decided I actually felt like cleaning off the counters too. Hrm... much better!

Played around on the computer a bit and then decided I'd feel loads better if I vaccuumed. Just the bedroom, since that's where the vac was last. I'd do the rest when I got home. But I kept on going.

Still time to kill... hrm... more mucking around on the computer (actually, this is good for me, as my SAD light is my computer desk lamp). I posted my food journal on another website and then felt like I ought to try to do a little exercise. 10 sit-ups, 10 each of weighted arm exercises.

So, here I am... and the best thing I can do is hurry up and order my light for my desk at work (paid some bills on the computer and figured out I can take money from my "emergency" fund). There's actually some sunlight out there right now, so I'm aching to get out.

I can't tell you how good this feels... It's reassuring, to say the very least. And that's a major understatement!

Thank you, everyone.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
500 posts

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Posted by Amalthea, 16:34 15 December 2007

Whew... a few days time and a little self-care makes a tremendous difference.

Sleep was almost luxurious last night... I really needed it terribly.

I decided that giving myself some time around the house this morning to make a little progress would make me feel loads better about trying to go out. I said I didn't have to leave the house until noon... which is 30 minutes from now.

I filled the bird-feeder and watched some birds while I watched a show on TV for a bit.

I took my arthritis medication early this morning so I wasn't sitting around and aching. Breakfast was a new twist... some wholegrain waffles with strawberry yogurt. I was full!

I decided to take my housework tasks just a little at a time. I'd planned just to do a load of dishes. I put on some music. One load of dishes made the kitchen look tons better... I decided I actually felt like cleaning off the counters too. Hrm... much better!

Played around on the computer a bit and then decided I'd feel loads better if I vaccuumed. Just the bedroom, since that's where the vac was last. I'd do the rest when I got home. But I kept on going.

Still time to kill... hrm... more mucking around on the computer (actually, this is good for me, as my SAD light is my computer desk lamp). I posted my food journal on another website and then felt like I ought to try to do a little exercise. 10 sit-ups, 10 each of weighted arm exercises.

So, here I am... and the best thing I can do is hurry up and order my light for my desk at work (paid some bills on the computer and figured out I can take money from my "emergency" fund). There's actually some sunlight out there right now, so I'm aching to get out.

I can't tell you how good this feels... It's reassuring, to say the very least. And that's a major understatement!

Thank you, everyone.
paulst
joined 5 Oct 2005
816 posts

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Posted by paulst, 18:42 15 December 2007

Hi Amalthea, its brilliant how you are coping, keep up the good work.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 00:25 16 December 2007

Thanks, Paul. Next week, I see some partly sunny days, which is about all Pittsburgh ever gets, but I'll take it. We're in for ice storms overnight but I think I'm just planning to go to church and home again tomorrow.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 13:07 16 December 2007

Amalthea I am in Ontario just near buffalo NY. it is freezing rain now not much snow last night but more on the way. Get to church and home okay take care good luck.
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 17:14 16 December 2007

Crud. Left my debit card across town yesterday and now I've got to make a special trip out there to get it. Sounds like nobody who drives will be able to help me out with making a trip out there.

I do hate to ask people, but it'd be a relief to have my hands on it again. I also don't know if I can do laundry without it. I've got to pull together what change I've got in my pockets.


Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 18:08 16 December 2007

just to let you know we got a foot and ahalf of snow and there is still more coming down.
paulst
joined 5 Oct 2005
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Posted by paulst, 20:04 16 December 2007

Goodness, all we have got is a slight frost!
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 20:25 16 December 2007

If you look at weathernet.com and go to southern Ontario you will see all the snow we are getting. I have used the snowblower twice today. Everytime the plow goes by I have to do the end of the driveway again so hubby can get in when he gets home from work.
Donna
Donna
joined 28 Nov 2002
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Posted by Donna, 20:54 16 December 2007

Blimey, I couldn't cope with your weather! When I see it on the news each year, I am thankful for the little snow we get in little ole England lol!! Don't get me wrong, as a kid I used to help my Mum dig our way out of our house because the snow used to fall lots but I suppose due to global warming, we don't have it that bad anymore. Some parts of the UK still do like Scotland but I am in the East of England where it is warmer. Scrapping the frost from my car these past few mornings has been enough! My poor old banger would cope with snow, when it rains it threatens to conk-out!!!
Donna
Donna
joined 28 Nov 2002
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Posted by Donna, 20:57 16 December 2007

Amalthea.......sorry I was meant to ask how you are doing? Hope you are ok. It feels like the worse thing ever when you are feeling so low. I call it a SAD attack when I am not managing to function due to SAD. The thing with sad is that nobody can see how you are feeling on the inside which makes it difficult to express.Its good if you have understanding people close to you. Take care x
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 21:06 16 December 2007

Donna you are lucky with the snow thing but it does make things brighter. The exercies helps alot so shoveling is a good thing and it passes the time.
Donna
Donna
joined 28 Nov 2002
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Posted by Donna, 21:23 16 December 2007

Yes I agree, exercise helps alot. I love it when I have had a good run! Usually at least half an hour - 1 hour but I do have exercise induced asthma too so inhalers are a must lol! I'm afraid with me, I need the summer sun to make me feel like old self. Our winter sun doesn't feel that warm for some reason I can't explain??? Maybe I just hate the cold so much it makes me very sad and tearful.
Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 21:25 16 December 2007

The cold does affect people in different ways but the lux is still there. Thats what makes the difference.
Donna
Donna
joined 28 Nov 2002
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Posted by Donna, 21:31 16 December 2007

My problem is I don't get out enough in the winter daytime. Probably due to going to work in the dark then driving home in the dark. Theres not enough light where I work. Nevermind....roll on the spring!
Amalthea
joined 12 Nov 2006
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Posted by Amalthea, 02:58 17 December 2007

I'm doing OK. Made a stupid mistake and started laundry without realizing that I'd be up until 10pm when I woke at 4am this morning and haven't napped.

My judgement is a bit lacking today. Besides treking around town when I have a headcold and it's snowing like mad.

I called and asked the bank to send me another debit card. It will cost me $7.50, but I'll know that I'll have different card numbers so nobody else can access my account. And... I don't have to go across town to pick up the old debit card. Only thing is it will take over a week for me to get the new card... a real inconvenience. So, it's cash, charge card or check until then.

But, I'm OK. Still pondering the wellbutrin. A little worried about it, but I think it's something I have to try or I'll end up on it as a very last resort, when things are falling down around me instead of when I can still make a coherent judgement.

Stained Glass Lady
joined 5 Dec 2007
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Posted by Stained Glass Lady, 12:17 17 December 2007

Amalthea Smart thing to do while you still have good judgement.If everything else isn't working than you have to do something.

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