Newbie Here

Hello everyone... I'm a newbie here. After 15+ years of suffering with this problem (I'm 26), I finally decided to speak to a doctor about the possibility of my having SAD. Although I've known about SAD for a while, I was always telling myself that I was just being lazy and needed to smarten up. It wasn't until this year, when I actually forced myself to do work (for school) and simply couldn't do it, that I realized something was up. In fact, the more I forced myself to work this year, the more depressed I became. All I wanted to do was not have to think and just sleep.

Anyway, I'm getting my light box tomorrow and am hoping that it will help me get through this problem.

About me: for as long as I can remember I have been depressed during the winter months. Although some years were more manageable than others, there's always been a period of apathy and depression during which I completely lose the motivation to do anything. All I want to do is sleep and be by myself. Furthermore, my way of coping, up until now, has always been to change everything about my life. Actually, it has become a sort of running joke in my family. Every year, by the time December comes along, I completely abandon everything I've been doing that year and start anew. To give you an idea of some of the things I've done over the years: I dropped out of school (three times), moved to completely different cities (three times), moved across the country (once), moved to a different country (once), changed programs at school (millions of times), etc.. And without fail, it always happens in December. It's like I go bonkers and want to erase my entire life. Other times I've seriously contemplated suicide or considered joining the priesthood (I'm not even a believer). The only way I can explain it is that I get so annoyed/depressed with my life that I just can't see myself going on that way anymore... not without going nuts.

I was going to do something similar again this year (leave University)... except this time I couldn't think of any miracle "solution" that would make my life interesting again. In fact, it's been so bad this year that I've been hearing the "die" voices in my head (which I haven't had in years). Even as I write this, I can't help but feel that everything is pointless and that I might as well just end it and save myself the trouble (not that I will). The funny thing is that I don't feel sad (the feeling, not the acronym), I just don't care about anything. It's as though everything is boring and isn't worth the effort. It's hard to explain in words. All I know is that the feeling is absolute torture, and all I can think of doing is wanting to sleep.

It would mean a lot, I think, if you could tell me if you relate to my experience (if you actually do). Although I'm sure I'm not the only one with these feelings/patterns, I don't know anybody in my entourage that feels the same way and as a result, I feel quite lonely in this regard.

Thanks for reading!

Hi Andre, your story sounds very familiar to me and I'm sure to many of us here. I imagine most folks are busy at the moment but it might be worth looking through the old posts to see what others go through.

I got very close to walking out of my job two weeks ago - it helped me a lot to know that this is just the way I feel this time of year and not necessarily the job or the people. I stuck with it and a week later life seemed very different!

Good luck with the lightbox, mine really did change my life - amongst other symptoms I used to be shattered the whole time and would count the number of hours until I could sleep again and I haven't done that since I've used light (3 winters now).

I also find my dawn simulator is a great help and I'd highly recommend one of these as well as a lightbox. I used to feel that I was being dragged into conciousness from some great distance when the alarm went off. I was always very headachy and groggy. With the dawn simulator I feel much better - I still don't like mornings but I don't feel as crap as I did!!

Good luck, stick around the forum, I find great comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one going through this.

Andre welcome to the forum. We all at one time or another feel like you do. I also try to take care of myself in the winter more than summer. It is not easy. You do what you can and will get through it. Listen to our advice but talk to your doctor and do what you feel is best for you. Read the back posts and you will find most of them helpful.