Emotions

Don't you just hate those days when you feel so empty?

I think I'm too tired to feel. It takes too much effort.

The world goes on around me. People are smiling, carrying on animated conversations.

I just stand in it, not part of it. Empty. They're having a discussion about their reactions to an exhibit and they want my opinion... what did I like most about it? I just pick something random and let my response join their conversation for a moment while I realize it's a lie, a ghost, a shadow... a fraud. I feel like a fraud. I feel like an intruder. I'm relieved I at least thought of a contribution, a response -- otherwise they would have known that I was empty inside.

Just thinking about awkward moments. I know it's because I'm tired. I had my sleep study last night and it didn't go well. It took forever for me to sleep when at home, I fall asleep quickly. I was so frustrated.

... Things will get better. I'm treating myself nicely tonight. Heating pad, soup, hot tea, warm bath... Can you tell how much I hate the cold?

Hello Amalthea, just be patient with yourself and treat yourself well, you will feel better this is just a passing stage. I have been unwell for the past week, started as flu then nausea and sickness and a terrible headache for the past four days. I am feeling slightly better today the headache has gone and the nausea is starting to go and the relief is incredible. Hang on in there, you will feel better soon x

Hi Ya Amalthea.

Just to let you know that Im feeling those exact same feelings too at the moment. Done a down turn and am being pretty hard on myself (getting a strange sense of dejavue). I dont feel as if I am in the middle of it though, I feel that Im on the outside looking in and am not welcome. Am trying hard, but I must come across as awkward and pretty stupid really.

I think its a mild depression setting in again and the idea of teaching aerobics horrifies me! It could be because the kids have been off school again and Ive not been exercising every day. I just can not be bothered, its takes all my time to ensure I get there and stay there without showing my tormented, sorrowful self inside.

I'm tormented because I dont kknow whether it is my SAD self telling me that teaching aerobics is a very very bad idea (and the awful anxiety and sleepless nights that goes with it) or whether it is actually that the real me doesnt actually want to do it. Cant win if I quit or stay!!


On a positive note my healthy diets going well. Lost about 9 lbs in all, and things have settled down.

Gosh, I hate SAD - I dont want to destruct my life options .

I just want to scream 'who cares about me - my SAD brain says noone, although I have to inform myself otherwise!!!'


Taheya
My husband has the virus you speak about now. I had a awful tummy for a few days and my youngest had sickess. Im just hoping all the bugs dont get together to create a superbug - now that would be headline news.

Enjoy your coffee shop trip Amalthea..

I went to a coffeeshop with some friends recently and they made me sit on my own on another table instead of pulling the table up like they usually do. I get the impression that some of them want me there, others dont. You know thats just the sort of issue that I find had to deal with (they obviously still dont understand me even though I have tried to explain SAD)!! I feel they all hate me now - I wish I could just get that out of my head - i cant and I could cry. I tried talking but they cant see how incredibly hurt I am.

It shouldnt matter at all, but it really does. Just wish I could turn it off, just know that it will go in time.

Sorry to relay my awful emotions on you all - i'll be better again soon.

So maybe we can stand together in our emptiness, then we will never be alone.

Take care

Me x

The good news is that last night, I did my yoga like I should and fell into an exhausted sleep. Even remember having a dream.

I could probably have used about 2-4 more hours of that kind of sleep, but it's a good start.

It's so strange how my dreams lately are always based on something I watched on TV or a conversation I've had.

Great to hear you are having dreams again - thats brill news.

Only a week to go till your appointment? - thats good news too.

The table thing....
one person mentioned that they should pull the tables together and stood up with another to do so, yet another said no leave it as it is(as if I couldnt hear!). So you can see why Im so chewed up. Its the age ole problem 'what have I done to upset them?'. They said it was something to do with me not telling them that I was coming - but one of them had invited me that day! Sometimes I think that having 'friends' is too much like hard work, and Ill do it on my own. Here we go again.....

Thanks for your cyber help guys, it really does help to talk.

Take care all

Me x

Oof, what I meant to say is I spent some time this morning on the trolley consciously relaxing my muscles and slowing my breathing. I'd been really hurting in my lower back, but the relaxation pulled the pain level from a 4 or 5 to a 1 or 2.

I'm reading these books and I'm starting to sound like them, too! ;)

Me,
Honestly, after the initial exam for Fibromyalgia, I was in such awful pain for 3-4 days... just from the doctor touching me. I've had nightmares since of going to the doctor's office and just being in inexplicable excruciating pain.
I told myself it's all silliness, but I seem to have gotten that "white coat syndrome" as a result -- every time I go into the doctor's office afterward, my blood pressure is up.
Last night, I tried using tennis balls to break up any knots, but I just am not knowledgeable enough to do anything that's effective. This morning I had a lot more pain than I've had for awhile, so I'd best just leave it be until I can learn what I'm doing. I'd like to teach myself. I've also got to learn the difference between the Trigger Points and Pain points or whatever they are... I know that first doctor set everything off with his exam. I'd had no idea I could hurt so badly and all over, too.

Heather

Me, I'm glad you're getting answers. It's tough to wait on these things, but at least you're closer to figuring things out.

I went out with some people tonight, and had a good time. I felt normal. It's such a relief! I'm going to be sore tomorrow, but I'm just going to keep trying to take care of myself. I hope you do the same!

*hugs*

Heather