Lost

Hey everyone.
Apologies in advance if this post becomes a little unstructured as i'm not operating at my best.
It's been a couple of years since i've felt as low and confused as am at the moment.
I've had quite a productive year all in all, even dragged myself away on holiday to Greece on my lonesome to get some rays, which was great, really really great. I got back and started dating (mentioned in a previous post) which was going well until I hit August and started waking early and dwelling on stuff, losing enthusiasm and starting to feel spaced out at times. The signs were all there but i chose to go into the usual denial. Anyway anxiety started creeping in and things started to take a nose dive with the gf. I explained stuff to her but she twisted everything to make me feel like i wasn't taking her seriously and messing her around etc. Even though it has turned out that she's quite immature and unpleasant it has been a catalyst to my SAD symptoms. I was taking SJW for a year until this May/June and my family commented on how much better i had been but i didn't want to start taking it again whilst i was dating because of the side effects. Anyway i've been waking really early 2 and 3 in the morning wide awake which is soul destroying and really anxious all day.
Just holding a conversation and maintaining eye contact is a challenge in it's own right. My vocabulary has halved and my confidence has plummeted. I live on my own which doesn't help matters but i find it impossible to get a relationship going as my mood and frame of mind aren't consistent enough for me to feel comfortable to let someone in which results in occasional 4 to 6 week relationships that are just long enough for me to get a glimpse of how happy i could be if things were operating as they should be. I find this cycle quite heart breaking as i don't want much in life just someone to share it with. I always tell myself that there are others far less fortunate than myself but when you're in the grips of this crap it just doesn't carry the same poignancy.
3 or 4 weeks ago I felt like i had the best life going. I walked down the street strutting my stuff, head held high, full of confidence, sharp as a knife and now I hate being around people, hate being on my own, can't even construct a meaningful conversation with people I know.
One of the worst things i find is not being able to laugh with people it makes me really self conscious.
Anyway I think I need to get a grip but it's so frustrating when you are allowed to be this funny, charismatic charmer for a few weeks and then have the carpet pulled away to reveal what feels like a soulless introvert for the foreseeable future!
Well i went to the Docs to build my esteem even further and wound up teary eyed (the shame) He seemed quite proactive but wanted to put me on Dosulepin which is a tricyclic with sedative properties when taken before bed should help me sleep as he says i have an agitated depression?
I expressed my massive reservations in taking these meds as i've had horrible experiences in the past but he said that was because i was taking stimulative ads ie ssri's which would have aggravated matters.
I informed him that i was starting sjw and thought i should give that a bit more time. He said he would try and find me a consultant that specialised or had an interest in SAD which i was pleased about and he said if the sjw wasn't having the desired effect in a month to come back for the meds.
Do any of you have any experience with this ad. Also i think i have an advance circadian rhythm which is why i'm yawning all day and waking early in the morning which is why i use my light box in the evening as well as the morning but this proves to be a bit tricky as you become anchored to the house. Do others have this problem or do you all sleep like bears.
Hope i haven't bored you all too much, if nothing else i've giving you something to read while the light's doing it's thang!
kindest regards OBE

I think that the doctor might be on the right track, but I don't know anything about the pill he suggested. I'm trying to figure a similar situation out that I'm having, and I, also, would like to avoid anti-depressants but I'm on a low dose (25mg) of trazadone and 15mg of flexeril to help me sleep.

I have fibromyalgia (and SAD) and I realize that's not what we're talking about here, but I responded because I picked up on the fact that you were having sleep problems, which is common to fibro. From the information I've come up with, SAD also involves sleep disturbance. Sleep disturbance is not always as obvious to people with SAD as yours appears to be. For fibromyalgia, it involves brainwave patterns while you're sleeping so you could think, "I slept 8 hours, so I should be rested... but I feel like I've slept 4 hours!" That's why I have medication to help me sleep.

And it just so happens that a lot of the sleep medications they offer are sedating anti-depressants. So, I think that's why he offered you an anti-depressant to take at night-time. Over here in the US, we have Lunesta and Ambien which are prescription sleep aids, but as I understand, you can become dependent on them to help you sleep and doctors don't want that. It's not addiction... It's actually not being ABLE to sleep without taking the medication. Besides that, some people actually have done dangerous things while on Ambien (walk in their sleep, eat large amounts of food while asleep and DRIVE while asleep). No, I can't make sense of how that can happen but it does.

To help you make sense of how you're feeling... How do you feel if you've had one night where you barely slept? You feel cranky, short-tempered, exhausted, tearful? What happens when it goes on night after night? People who have sleeping disorders can become depressed, short-tempered, exhausted... They can have trouble putting thoughts together... even memory can be affected. I was surprised when I went to the sleep doctor to learn that people who have sleep apnea tend to have cognitive dysfunction, particularly memory problems! He said these things tend to resolve once they get help with sleep troubles. It takes awhile to come back, so you'll need to be patient and diligent about a sleep and medication schedule.

You need to avoid stimulants, like caffeine, too. I don't know if SJW is an "upper" in the sense that it could be stimulating and further disrupt your sleep. I just wanted to let you know that a lack of sleep could certainly be aggravating your depression. I hope this helps.

Heather