Loved ones with SAD

To protect her identity, I have decided to use the name Tess in all references to my girlfriend.

I met her in the summer. Her and I have been so in love with each other since then, but lately the stress has really been hitting her. Yes, things like exams and due dates are starting to really add to it, but there's more than that. It's been in the last few weeks that she has become less affectionate, but not being negative towards me, but rather more moody and turning inward, which is a quite a drastic change form her normally sweet loving self that always wants me as much as I want her. I see her on the weekends as during the week I work and she goes to classes. We are separated by her being on an island which is a one and a half hour ferry ride plus a half hour drive to the ferry terminal. We have been seeing each other on the weekends and sometimes every other weekend and when she is with me, she is her sweet and loving self and her and I are so in love, as always and her and I are always holding each other and she does also take the initiative with affection and cuddling. She is always expressing how much she loves me and she's close and shows attraction to me and desire when she is actually there at my place and with me. She's the Tess I know. The Tess who loves me. The Tess who when I tell her, I'm the luckiest girl in the world to have her (knock on wood) tells me that she's actually the luckiest (to have me) and that I'm the best girlfriend. How obnoxiously sweet, eh?

She said in September that she has a tendency to get depressed when it gets toward fall. She says she starts to get moodier and harder to be around at that time. And what I have noticed in her behaviour, is that it's like a gradual process just like the shortening of the days. It's like she knew she was going to get depressed as fall came in and winter got closer, which leads me to believe that SAD is a big contributer to this, being that there is such a seasonal cyclical component to these changes in her. I think the stress lately (her mom, her and her sister moving in with her grandmother who is extremely against our relationship), due dates and pressure, worrying about being broke and then balancing being with her friends and being with me, because when she goes away on teh weekend to be with me, her friends miss her and miss being with her. Though my argument in that case is that they get to see her practically 5 out of 7 days and I only get to see her 2 or (3 if I'm lucky) days and not necessarily every weekend either. When she is with me, she gets more sleep and she can sleep until daylight (which right now due to the seasons and wet weather is still quite cloudy these days). She has called herself on occasion lazy, though at home she is sometimes the only one (since her mom does many hours of shiftwork) who would do the dishes and household things.

Lately, it seems like there are 2 Tess' - the one on the weekends in person with me and the one with the day to day pressures of classes. But that's the thing. Even when she's moody and seemingly cold, she never puts me down, she seems to put herself down like as in guilt. I can tell she is under a lot of stress lately and struggling to balance things even though she has a very loving, secure, and supportive relationship with me. And then she seems to be struggling with herself because she still reminds me that she loves me and she lets me in that she seems to get this way and she wants me to know that it's not because of me and that she loves me and she just seems to get this way. She gets sad and unhappy. She feels like she is a mess. And she wants me to know taht I'm not doing anything wrong or to make her unhappy. She wants me to know that she is depressed. She thinks she is really screwed up for feeling depressed and being moody the way she is and wonders how anyone can put up with it like I do. But I reassure her by saying "Welcome to the club. We're all a little screwed up. Me, my problem is being insecure and sometimes having irrational fear of loss. Being 'normal' is not the true norm. We just have to accept and understand each other as best we can. We have to be sensitive. And you are worth the effort".

So why am I here? I love her so much and I want to understand this better. I have started to read up on the symptoms and she seems to have quite a few of them and due to the cyclical nature of this and a few other things, I do believe that SAD is the big factor instead of just plain old depression as to why she is different especially lately. I think stress (exams, pressure to get things done on time, trying to balance things socially, etc.) is a big trigger and that is why lately it seems most prominent.

So I'm here as someone who deeply loves someone who seems to be experiencing SAD and I'm looking for advice on how to cope. I don't want to lose her. I want to be supportive and understanding. I don't want to smother her. I love her so much and I want to understand this. I want her and I to last and to get through this. Can any of you who are actually going through this (or any of you who actually treat this) help me?

And I do think I experience some of the symptoms too to a very small degree perhaps. I have to get up and it's still dark and it's very hard to function. And I find it easier getting up early in the summer. But I don't react the way Tess does. I'm more sluggish and grumpy and just generally more slower and disorganized around this time of year. I seemed to notice that when I visited sunny southern California last January I felt more energetic earlier in the morning. It could also have been because I was on vacation and away from the pressures of work. But, I digress.

What I need is help to be there for Tess. To be a loving supportive girlfriend to Tess, through all this. To make it work with Tess. To be able to cope and understand what she is going through and what to do and what to say and how to be there for her and give her what she needs. Please help me. I would greatly appreciate it.

I sat and read your message and I could totally relate to what you had been describing. I have been with my partner for almost 5 years now and he is the best support I could have. No matter hw much he has found out about SAD he still can't understand it to the full extent that I do. I think that no matter how much you try you will also never know how your girlfriend feels in herself. Your girl friend does seem to be suffering for SAD and I think that she should go to see her GP and get some help.

The depression can be a major factor for her finding the rest of her life so stressful. I suffer from very bad depression and I take anti - depressants to combat it. If I forget to take them on a day I find it difficult to cope with the simplist of tasks. I also went through college suffering as well this is why I can relate so much. I really struggled to meet deadlines and found myself ill at the end of each term through the stress. I don't get as stressed now with the tablets but I do rely on them to stay sane :twisted:

My boyfriend would relate to what you said about the two people you think "tess" is! He says to me that there is actually two of me. He says that there is me and then there is the MEGGA BITCH :twisted:
He knows that I love him with all my heart but I can't help but withdraw from him and the family when it comes to this time of year. I do find affection hard to show when normally I am very touchy feely with him. He does find it difficult.

Try to give your girlfiend some space when she requests it afterall it sure seems like she loves the bones of you. You just need to keep remembering that this other personality isn't the real "tess" and think of the summer when she is smiling and happy again.

If your girlfiend is like me she may cry and not know why she is crying, forget things, feel useless and so on. I also find that I get very exhausted which can be a contributer to the depression and no matter how much I sleep I am still tired. The best advice I can give is to be there for her and act as her rock - she will love you much more for it.

Good Luck - If you ever need to talk then log on and there is ususlly someone hear to talk to or we will reply to your messages. Remember you can do with the support aswell you are as much affected as her when your in a relationship.

Claire
xx


Hope floats

Christmas vacation went quite better. I mean just her being able to sleep in until it's daylight helped quite a bit. Quite a lot of it could be the pressure of school and being torn between balancing all the percieved expectations from all the people who want a piece of her time of which I am one of them. She's been great for almost the whole time of her summer vacation (no stress from school, time to party and be with friends, her grandma being away which allowed me to stay over at her place which in turn allowed her to be able to spend time with me and her friends too, and being able to sleep in and wake up with the daylight and take her own sweet time in facing the day, lots of time with me - her love). She was great until yesterday when it got really really cold. Is really cold temperature and high wind chill also a contributing factor to SAD or is that it's own thing. I mean it was so cold that our hands and ears would feel brittle. As well, it was the day before classes start again. She was moody not as in puting me down moody, but as in not being as close and making me feel not as welcome kinda moody. I mean she told me yesterday that when she is really cold, she doesn't like to be touched so much. She acted kinda indifferent to me in some ways - half there. She would lean her head on my shoulder, but I felt like I was reaching out trying to connect to her, but she was half there and somewhat closed. And it wasn't the being in public kinda thing cuz we have been very openly affectionate in the ferry terminal before, so I noticed. Or am I just worried that the "honeymoon" is over and just attributing it to SAD. I mean could a lot of this be that she is bummed out at having to go back school again the next day? And is that why she was half in our world and half in her own? Or am I just so insecure? I've been hurt before (lots of scras from all the emotional abuse from my last girlfriend) and when I get this feeling of rejection somewhat (I cried on the ferry. I didn't let her see me cry) do I just drive her away by being clingy or getting down on myself and blaming myself since I must be doing something wrong? I mean low self esteem is not exactly attractive. I am so scared to lose her. She reassured me online last night that she does get moody and even if she doesn't show it, she does love me and that I should trust in our love and trust in her. She said that she knows and understands that I tend to need more reassurance because of all that I have been through my whole life. If I am going way off topic here and should be going somewhere more related to depression, feel free to express it here kindly. We are working hard to understand each other and our work has been paying off, but even when she says that, it still hurts. I have to be strong and not let her see me cry or how much her lukewarmness with me at times hurts me. I tell you, when we are alone and she can sleep in, we are so in love. We had so much fun. We made each other laugh and we would just look at each other and want each other. She was cuddly and expressive and almost seeming to want to make it up to me for before. She is warm and expressive and loving. She really does love me. I know that. She wouldn't try to make me understand if she didn't. It's just hard. How do I get through this when she doesn't as much act like she loves me. I mean at least she is somewhat affectionate, but it's hard because I notice the difference in her. I don't want to lose her out of her own guilt. I want to help her. I want to make her happy. I want this to work. I would rather be eaten alive by spiders than lose her. I love her so much and I will do anything to get through this with her. I genuinely care about her and try to make her happy. Some of you mentioned that you think that it could be more depression than SAD. She really is 2 different people. Maybe it's not as bad of SAD but it only flares up when stress (or the anticipation of) is added (such as the really really bad biting pain of cold and the stress and pressures of school school). Am I just too sensitive? Or would anyone who really loved her feel affected the way I do? Maybe it's more me that there is something wrong with. Sorry to take up your time. I just feel so alone at times with this because I love her so much and I don't want to lose her.

Ummm, first can I make a suggestion... please use paragraphs. I find it hard to read such a huge block of text. Please give me some thinking space.

I agree with Siddy, you are very intense and I think you need to take a deep breath and remember that life and love are to be enjoyed. They are hard sometimes but if it never rained we wouldn't appreciate the sun.

You seem to be thinking in circles and almost searching for the worst, anticipating and even pre-empting Tess not wanting you. If you look for disaster you will more than likely find it. If you don't search for it, it might still happen but you will have given yourself the freedom to enjoy the good times. What I'm trying to say is... don't read so much into situations. Speak to Tess but don't interrogate. Mistrust, doubt and insecurity break up so many relationships. Loving someone takes effort but to constantly demand reassurance from the other person is exhausting for both and will drain the love from any relationship. Affection should be reciprocal, SAD sometimes makes it hard to return affection; patience and understanding help.

Relax and enjoy the love you and Tess have. Talk about your thoughts.

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