Quack Visit

I'm feeling a little apprehensive right now because I have to see the Pshyciatrist in the morning. Trouble I have is, I've been feeling quite a bit better over the last few weeks though the panicky thoughts are still in the background, I'm controlling it. The last 4 times i've been have been during good weather so I don't really have anything much to say, apart from the usual - nearly 30 and still living with mum because I can't afford to move out, feel like I'm being punished for being ill because I get less than someone whos on the dole just because they can't be bothered to go to work. I want to work and can't. This, they can do nothing about and tell me to come back in 3 months. I was originally sent there because I was cutting myself so they are having to keep checking me. The thing is now, although I hadn't cut myself for about 18 months, I did start again in November because I was feeling really low. Then the panick attacks started 1st January. If I sit and talk about all this tomorrow, it's all going to come back. Whenever I've been anywhere before and have had to sit and talk about my problems, I end up feeling worse again. I know talking is supposed to help but I don't always find this to be true. In this case, putting it to the back of my mind and hopingit won't be so bad at the end of this year, is the only way through it. I also feel so on the edge becuse I know it's still there waiting for me to let it take over.
If I don't talk though, I'm defeating the object in going and I've already missed 3 appointments because I kept forgetting, so I can't even cancel. I want to keep up with the appointments because if I do really need help (with the M.E as well as depression) at least it looks like I'm doing my best and they will be more willing to do something for me.
I know I have to tell them everything tomorrow and hope whoever I see understands about SAD and doesn't just put it down to depression. I know I suffer with depression anyway but I am never anywhere near as bad during the Summer ( and feel a real sense of hope on sunny days ) so it has to be Sad exaggerating the problem that is already there.
It's just been so nice to feel almost free of the glumness that I don't want to go back there. It probably hasn't helped that today has been really brown looking, not quite grey, everything looks dirty and dull (even more than London usually does) and I felt like crying when I looked out of the window earlier.
And on top of all that, my rabbit, Sky, has started falling over again. She's 12 and on her last legs. She lives in my room and I think she's a bit doo lally in the head now and forgets to eat so when she gets a bit weak, I shut her in the cat basket for a day with water and food so she can do nothing but eat. she gets a bit brighter then and carries on for a bit longer but it doesn't seem to be working so well this time, she won't come out of the basket even though the doors been open for 3 days and she looks very low. I know this sounds incredibly cruel keeping her alive but she doesn't like leaving my room so taking her to the vets would cause her great stress and this was worring me so much that I spoke to our vet. He agreed with me that as she's normally so happy and shows such character even at this age, it would be fairer to let her go quietly at home when the time comes. She's also had 3 major opperations in the last 6 years including womb removal because she had cancer and has defied everyone by pulling through each time, she certainly doesn't want to give up so I feel it's my duty not to give up on her even though she needs constent care. I love her to bits and although she's not stressed at all, she looks quite sad today and I do get upset because I still worry that I'm not doing the best for her.
Anyway, now I've got all that off my chest, I'm going to get some Horlicks (for me), and a carrot (for Sky, always cheers her up), light a meditation stick, get in my bed and read for a while.
Thanks for listening, on this occasion, it helped. Maybe thats a good omen for tomorrow
Night night x

Hi Arken.

Perhaps you could just tell the psychiatrist what you've just told us?

And how about talking to us when you feel like cutting yourself?
(Sharing things a bit with friends can be good...)

Seems you've been doing your best for Sky. She probably appreciates a nice warm comfy lap - like my old cat, who looked up at me one day, gave a little mew, and died. It was as if she was saying thankyou.

Hope all goes well with your shrink appointment.
Take care of yourself.
(Bit of sunshine here today)

Love
calm