Reaching out

Hello.

First off, I'd like to point out that I'm glad to have come across this forum. I'm incredibly low at the moment and I hope that communicating with people who have similar experiences will help.

I'm a 26 year old who has recently received confirmation of the self-diagnosis that I didn't want to believe.

I've been a SAD hostage for a few years now but a combination of stigma and denial prevented me from reaching out. This year has been the worst I've ever experienced. The excuses and bravado haven't worked this time and attempts at suppression have proved futile. I felt I had to seek professional help and the diagnosis confirmed that my symptoms conform to the ICD-10 definition for SAD. Despite having known inside, it still felt like a major blow.

I really have never been so low in my life. It feels as if the real me is being held hostage by this condition. I've withdrawn from friends since I find I literally am unable to say anything positive right now. I'm in a black hole and there seems to be little respite from these depressive thoughts. I had to stop taking the escitalopram I was prescribed after three days since it did nothing but fill my mind with 'alarming' thoughts.

I sought out this forum on the suggestion of an incredible girl I met during the summer. She's been fantastically supportive. That said, I have still effectively distanced myself from her. She has everything going for her and my condition and behaviour are holding her back. She's blind to her own best interests by being with me and I can't continue to hinder her. I refuse let this affect her like it did with my previous girlfriend and I've suggested that she find someone able to give her the sort of relationship she deserves.

I find that this year SAD is unravelling my life. Recently I was 'relieved' of one of my classes by my Head of Department. For a number of reasons, I wasn't able to tell him what's going on. It has become too difficult to mask my symptoms at work and now I'm effectively being seen as incompetent by my employers. As a newly-qualified teacher, I fear my career has fallen apart before it has even begun.

Despite having read the relevant literature and researched numerous periodicals, I still find myself unable to get to grips with the 'why?' of it all. To understand is not to accept. It's worse when I know what I would suggest if it were someone else in my situation but I myself am unable to accept the rationality of this advice. It doesn't help that I'm deeply depressed right now and that my perception is somewhat distorted. I've been stripped of control of my life and I just can't seem to come to terms with it right now.

I guess I'd like to find out how people here have managed to come to terms with this and if it gets any easier. The steps I have taken to ease things (diet, phototherapy, running) have a short term positive effect but my main problem lies is the absence of optimism.

Sorry for bringing this negativity here, by the way. I was just hoping that there are others with direct experience of the condition that I can give and draw support from. I'll be returning here regularly.

Thanks

Yes, I'd like to call you by something other than "Hostage." :)
This may sound outlandish, but in a way it's good that you know what is wrong now. I taught secondary English for five years, with winter problems every year, never realising it was SAD. I took two weeks off work one November for what I thought was stress. I'd get to my classroom on dark mornings and just sit at my desk and put my head in my hands, feeling so awful, so tired. And I'd regularly snack on the Kit-Kats and assorted chocolates I kept in my cupboard to bribe my students, not connecting SAD and cravings for sweets. If I'd known about SAD and light therapy, I think things would have been so much easier for me.
It's a lot of work being a newly qualified teacher, it takes a lot of energy and enthusiasm, creativity, and plain hard work, because the things you're teaching are new to you; you don't have the benefit of experience plus a cupboard full of past lesson plans and assignments that you can dip into. I'm at home with my toddler at the moment and although I'd like to go back to teaching when she goes to full-time school, I can't imagine doing it now in the state I'm in; I have clinical depression as well as SAD. I wouldn't have the brainpower, the energy or the creativity to do it.
So maybe I have an idea of how you're feeling :) You've got an illness and it's interfering with your job and your relationships. (It's the depression causing you to tell someone you care about to find someone "better" -- I know how it feels -- but if she's offering you warmth and support then I would advise you to enjoy it, and save any major decisions until you are well.) My best advice? Don't let your illness throw away a good career and any relationships you have. get help. I've tried several antidepressants myself; if you don't respond to one, there are many other choices to look at. I resisted meds for a long time, absolutely hated the idea of them, but I've come to accept that I cannot function without them right now. Light therapy is just as important to me and just as effective. If you're sure you have SAD then the first thing I'd say to do, apart from seeing your doctor, is getting a light box. It could really make all the difference, and you may find you don't need medication at all.
If you need some space in the meantime, like Katie suggested, could you take some time off ill? Sounds like your colleagues already know you're struggling so hopefully they'd be supportive of you having a rest and getting well. A colleague of mine was off work for several months not long after I was, and he's on antidepressants now too. But we were OK with that and he managed to pick things up and get back to it very well when he came back.
I hope this helps. Please write in and let us know if you've got other questions.
Best wishes,
Linda.

Hello

I can certainly relate to the negativity and I haven't been posting much as my feelings of futility reaches an all time high in Feb. We have had three days of sun here and already I can feel myself picking up which has been a reprieve from the previous two months of grey. I 'manage' my sad but it doesn't get rid of the symptoms, I am very logical but it doesn't get rid of the depression, anxiety and paranoia.

I would suggest if you are a qualified teacher to consider whether you want to go part time to manage it better and ultimately if you have thought about emigrating to Oz. Sounds extreme but that is where my thoughts are at the moment. Don't put your partner off give her the full information and let her decide for herself, you have to accept you have qualities which are good even if you are not happy in yourself.

best wishes siddy

Hi,

Thanks for all the responses. I really mean that. I value the support and advice. The fact that there are many teachers here is indeed reassuring, Clive. My name is Martin, by the way.

I am indeed using light therapy, KT and Linda. After being diagnosed, I began a three-pronged attack of diet (hypoglycaemic, protein-based), running (for exercise, self-esteem and endorphins) and bought a 10,000 lux box for light therapy. I've found that they've been great in helping energy levels and are pretty activating. The running lifts my mood temporarily but the deep depression has not budged.

The escitalopram I began taking was very much a last resort. It didn't agree with me but I still feel that I urgently need to lift this depression to stop my life from dismantling. I've decided to resume the escitalopram in reduced dosage and I've booked an appointment to discuss further medication options.

I do have one question. Has anyone found that the depressive aspect of their SAD has varied from year to year? In particular, I'm wondering about changes in severity and duration. It's just that the sheer intensity and duration of my depression this year are frightening me. Based on past years, April is when my recovery really begins but I feel my low mood should be lifting at least a little by now. All the more so due to the March sunshine we've experienced in London (which has a definite effect on my fatigue but not my mood). I still find myself mired in this inhibiting depression and, as each day passes without change, it becomes more alarming.

Thanks again for all the advice. In my current state, I don't think I have much choice but to take some time out from work. It's not ideal since I'm newly qualified and when my immune system began falling apart during autumn I was forced to take some days off. Not the best sickness record for a new member of staff. However, my ability to teach has declined steadily since January and it is impossible for me to teach effectively while this low. I had a lesson observation by a senior staff member today and it was an unmitigated disaster. I'm going to have to swallow my pride and speak to my Head of Department because trying to plough on is of benefit to nobody.

I empathise entirely with the paranoia, Donna. Not only am I convinced my partner should find someone better, I'm also unsure at just how much she really cares for me. I wonder whether her supportiveness is down to genuine care or in fact stems from some kind of self-gratifying ‘Florence Nightingale syndrome’. I find such thoughts hard to dispel.

As for the future, I am unsure at the moment, Siddy. This year's severity is such that I never want to experience this again and I really have considered ALL options in dealing with this. To withdrawn socially? To be unable to think clearly or communicate lucidly? To have zero motivation and energy levels? To have a seemingly irremovable negative mental filter permeates everything? On an annual basis?! No thank you. I would do anything to avoid experiencing this again. I cannot see myself staying in the UK for much longer.

Thanks again.

Martin

Hey fantastic, Martin! Thanks for coming here and sharing that. What is akathisia?
This is a great place to come, isn't it. I'm really glad it's here.
You going to change your nickname now? What about "Freed"? LOL. I hope you never have to feel a hostage to depression again.
Best,
Linda.

Yep, nickname change certainly is required. I thought about 'Escapee' but people might think I was sat in a strait-jacket, typing with my toes! Or, for maximum cringe-worthiness, how about 'The Forum Member Formerly Known As Hostage'..? Er, perhaps not.

I'm just thrilled to be on the road to recovery. I'd forgotten how it felt to wake up feeling positive - I'm so much more energetic now that I literally bound out of bed in the mornings to go running. I've got a lot of work to do to rebuild my life but I'm determined and positive. :D

I think I'm single again so may have to start dating again soon however, in the spirit of experimentation, I plan to do it sporting a moustache! I didn't bother to shave at all throughout March and the designer stubble soon progressed to a Robinson Crusoe special. Heaven knows why I decided to keep the 'tache when I finally shaved on Tuesday (although it's actually somewhat reassuring since it's a sign of my true personality resurfacing when I come over non-conformist).

Since it's a full-on, 21-gun, IRA hunger strike, 70s moustache masterpiece, it should be great for comedy value when I re-enter society. What do forum members think? Ladies, is it a good idea to look like Magnum PI when trying to woo? I should do a poll - the moustache: facial abomination or cute love fuzz? Lol. My family were in stitches when they first saw me and I'm sure I heard someone stifle the words 'sex pest' under a cough. It's going to be pretty funny seeing how it'll be received.

Hoping all is well,

Marti... I mean, The Forum Member Formerly Known As Hostage.

Hi Martin,

Like many people I'm not on the forum all the time. I missed this thread and your last posting..... I'm usually away at Easter. I have to say, facial hair is never a good thing.... welll apart from eyebrows and lashes of course. What happened with the full-on moustache?

I'm still trying to get to grips with the SAD Condition, haven't mastered it yet, but a level of acceptance and knowing that come spring, even early spring I will start to feel OK again is helping.

I'm off work again this year. My blast of Caribbean sunshine at Christmas last year must have helped as I got thru relatively easily last year. THe year before that I was off work too. Friends in Oz, so hoping to go there for Christmas next year!

Oz was why I'm writing this message......I'm easily distracted and have poor concentration this time of year... sound familiar? Once you have a couple of years teaching under your belt you might like to try the Commonwealth Teacher Exchange programme. I met a dear friend when she was on exchange from Canada to London. A few years after that she got wanderlust again and went to Perth Australia for a year. It might be what you need! ALternatively, not sure if you're of an appropriate age for this... I understand that work visas are available. A friend from New Zealand (you can get SAD in south of NZ, so be careful!) got a work visa to work in the UK for a year and is just about to do another for Ireland. He was 26 when he came here. I don't know if there's a similar scheme for going from the UK to Australia/NZ.

Hi Martin

I also missed this one last year, it's really good when people come back and update their stories, it helps everyone so thankyou for doing it.

I think starting the light therapy early makes a huge different, coming to it in Feb/March as you did last year makes it very very difficult to lift yourself out of where you already are. Much better to try to keep your head above water from early in the year. Personally I started using my lightbox in September of this winter, I noticed the change in light quality and felt that I needed to start.

How are things going workwise this year, is it working out for you?

I'm sure we all vary but this winter for the first time ever (my second with a light box) I could see the quality of light changing and feel the slight change in my mood. I hadn't taken the light box off my desk so started putting it on for a little bit each day. I'm pretty sure I feel better for starting before my mood swings had started.

Interestingly, I did what Martin did over Christmas and New Year, I didn't use light from the Friday before Christmas until this Tuesday (except for the Weds/Thurs before new year when I was back at work). I took my visor away with me but confidently felt that I was well enough to last five days at a time without it. I didn't notice any ill effects at the time but this week has been a very bad week for me, I'm very stressed and have that "house of cards feeling" where it will just take one more thing to make it all come tumbling down. I also (of course!) ate badly and didn't get much exercise...

Hi everyone,

Thanks for the welcoming and helpful replies.

Purplecrab - in a perverse way, it's somewhat reassuring to know that there are others who, despite not having mastered it, have reached a level of acceptance. I guess that is a victory in itself. It's a lesson that I'm still finding it hard to learn. Perfectionist thinking can be a major hindrance!
Oh, and thanks for the suggestion. The teacher exchange programme you mentioned sounds a very attractive prospect in the long term and I'll definitely look into it.

Linda - you're right, I am determined to be well and am willing to do whatever it takes. I've had a brief perusal of those topics (I've just begun a long term supply teaching role which has placed incredible demands on all my resources) and am intrigued by much of what I have read. I'll take a further look when I have more time.

Piglet - you're right, I really noticed the difference when using the lightbox early but made the complacent mistake of lending it out when I thought I was feeling fine through November. Big mistake. I'm now beginning to realise how much I missed it at new year.
I've just begun a long term supply teaching role where the departing teacher left everything in a mess so I'm a teaching Red Adair, taking a hose to the flames at the moment. It's obviously a bad time for me to take on such a stressful task. If I'm being honest, I've felt things slipping a bit depression-wise. My mind is foggy and I'm beginning to feel desperate about increasingly high anxiety but I refuse to let it get the better of me. I'm getting back into the swing of my regime and am doing well catching negative thoughts. I won't be beaten!