Started light therapy late...sigh

So I just started my light box December 1st. Stupid me, I thought I could do the "mind over matter" thing and pull myself through this winter through sheer will. Not the best idea. Why do I even do that to myself?! WTF is wrong with me?

I haven't been sleeping well for weeks. I'm waking up every hour on the hour. I'm off the sleep meds. Again, I thought I could pull through on my own. Now it looks like I'll have to go back on them too.

I was really feeling so much better and then the dark days started in and now I feel like I'm entering the deep dark pit of despair once more. How do we manage to forget how bad it can get from one season to the next? Sigh.

tall penguin

HI Clive, I think you mean Hyper-mania in the spring. Over active.

I have tried in previous winters going it alone until things got bad. I have gone for more preventive action this year. it hasn't worked entirely, but I'm still at work and my mood is OK. I'm really hoping that it's a method that will work right through until the spring and that it's repeatable next year.

Tall Penguin, I KNOW I didn't start my lamp soon enough last year. I didn't seem to have the time to organise getting it out or using at the correct time of year. Boy! Did I regret that. It's still an exploratory processs for me, finding out what is helpful and what isn't.

Nearly at half way point - 21st December and my birthday! I'm thankful that this year it looks as if I shall be able to cope with the Christmas parties etc. I have family coming, which I wouldn't have been up to last year. Singing at BBC for the Radio 1 Christmas party on 21st Dec as well.

After that there's the month of January, which is usually rather dire, so will have to grit my teeth for that I think.

This year

*I started to use my lamp mid September... actually had it out a couple of times in the summer when we had a really dark week. We were having building work and living in a darkish room as well.

*I started to use the dawn simulator that I got in the spring. Experimented with it earlier in the year, but didn't need it. Now I find it a great help. It's only in the last couple of weeks I've found it hard to get out of bed, even then, not as bad as usual.

*winter regime of looking after myself as well as I can. I do this normally, but not with such great care as in the winter.

* I don't push myself too hard. I try to make sure that I have a few 'social' things happening, but don't beat myself up if I don't feel like going.

* Following my doctor's advice (I'm getting ready to be shot down in flames!) I started to take medication about the time of the autumn equinox.... think this was about 3rd week in September. Doctor thought it was a good idea to take it to see if it prevented me going downhill, as once you are down, it's quite hard to pick yourself up again.

My line manager told me last year after I went back to work, that I wouldn't be able to take time off this winter if I felt the need for some sun (that was what helped get me back into work last year!), BUT she didn't reckon on me having the fabulous supportive GP that I have. He has said that if I need a sick note to enable me to do this, then he'll do it.

In spite of everything that life is chucking at me at the moment I seem to be coping reasonably well.

Mood is fine, which is the most important thing. I can't be doing with constant weeping! Other than that, I'm tired and need to see what I can do about that. Probably not that much at the moment. I did feel yesterday that I would have been better off not driving dd home from school (40 mins, mostly motorway) she wasn't chatting as she sometimes does, but she and her friend were both asleep! And I had quick turnround before the kids did a concert. I didn't go into the concert, but did a bit in Sainsbury's across the road and then sat quietly in the cafe till it was over. Went to bed when I got home. Sometimes I just have to look and see what I can do to make a situation better.

That's about it. PM me if you feel the need, email addy is in my profile.

Thank you all for your comments here. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I find it very hard to accept each winter that there is a certain progression to my symptoms if I don't take action. First, my sleep goes offline. Then the morning fatigue sets in. Then I start entering a depression. Then before I know it I'm feeling suicidal. It's crazy-making. And yet, each time around I think this is going to be the year where things will be different. But it's not.

And then I beat myself up for not being well, and also for not getting myself together earlier in the season. Damn it, I was in such a good place two months ago. It's amazing to me how one season can make so much difference.

How do you keep from cycling around in the negative self-talk that seems to flare up at this time of year? While I know it's part of the package, it's hard to just let it pass. I find it exhausting to have the constant chatter in my head.

tall penguin

wow - everything that people have said in this topic all rings true - as some of you know, I'm having a pretty hard time of things this year. Last year I had a fairly good winter (well I mean good in a comparitive sense!!!!), but really really struggling this year. You are all helping me through tho so thank you...