Nobody understands...

Ok so i'm just hear to let off a bit of steam. Where do I start, last week I bumped into a boy from school who I used to have a major crush on. Well he didn't see me but I saw him. I prayed tat he wouldn't glance my way as I am three and a half stone heavier that I was in school. Little does he know that I'm not an overweight lazy person. I have SAD I put on weight every winter due to a chemical defficency in my brain that makes me have the most insatiable carbohydrate cravings. In fact I've actually lost over twenty stone in the 9 years since I finished high school.

That wasn't the only reason why I got upset, I am at present currently un-employed. Whilst at school I was one of the brightest pupils in my class. Definately the most ambitious, I was so focused on getting into a good college, I became known as the career guidance teachers pet. I did manage to get into the university, if fact it was Trinity College Dublin, avery reputable establishment. To me college was the key to a better future, as I came from a singkle parent family who just got by. I always dreamed of a successful future or glamour, travel and achievement, I was determined and nothing was goina stand in my way !!!!

Fast foward to second year, and the blackness set in, i gained a lot of weight, because of this was embarrassed to go into college. Then when I got there the whole body would feel like it belonged to someone else, that i wasn't in control of it's thoughts, it's senses. I became very anti-social, my whole body filled with anxiety. Anyways long story short I dropped out of college. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was so confused I didn't even think to go to the doctor. In fact I remember thinking I had an eating disorder as all I done was eat eat eat !!

So here I am eights years later, four years since I discovered I had SAD. Wit no job prospects, no future, no relationship, no travel opportuinties (alot of my friends are traveling). All I can think of is what would my life have being like if I didn't have SAD???? Who would I be working for? Where would I be Living???? What I would look like?? ( well in fact I know that, at my normal weight I could pass for a model, and have being told this several times). I realise that I am probably just feeling sorry for myself but I think I have the right, This world is hard enough to get by, but to turn into a carb eating zombie with no interpersonable skills for six months of the year makes it virtually impossible to have a well rounded life. So now I feel I have no more fight in me to go after my dream job, dream body, dream life. I'm just waitinf for the winter to suck me in and spit me back out again.

I hope I didn't moan too much ! But I tried talking to family and they just didn't get it, they were giving me solutions as if i was never goina get depressed again. I feel for my mam as she can not help me, and she wants to terribly.

I don't know what we did to deserve such a sentence as SAD, it has ruined my life. And I don't know if i'll ever be optimistic again!