how do you cope with the demons

I don't know about you but my depression has got so much worse in the last two weeks, I'm crying and snappy all the time and am bombarded with negative thoughts. I'm using my light regularly which has helped with the morning lethargy, I can get up now and get some stuff done (kids to school etc), but the depression is crippling.

I had been taking 5 HTP for a few weeks but found little difference and have dropped it down slowly in case I have to go on something stronger. I really don't want to go back on medical antidepressants because I had such horrible side effects from the last three types I was given, and I can't use SJW because it aggravates my rosacea (esp with the lightbox). I have a very unhelpful GP who thinks I just need to tell myself to get on with it and keep busy.

The carb cravings are driving me up the wall, I am really struggling to control my eating, even going out at night to Spar to buy bags of Haribo and packs of biscuits.Which in turn makes me feel guilty and down on myself. In summer I am quite a regular at the gym and do long walks etc but I feel so negative I can't even face a walk by the beach let alone going to the gym. Even the thought of the sauna doesn't appeal.

But its the demons in my head that are the big problem, all the constantly negative thoughts and suicidal suggestions. I know I'm not going to act on them because of my family, I wouldn't do that to my children, but even visualising sweeping them all away (suggestion from counsellor last year) has little effect, back they come in a few minutes and are so disruptive I can hardly hold a conversation with anyone or find what I need in the supermarket. Without wanting to sound like a total loony, it is like loads of little voices constantly murmuring bad things in my head, I can't concentrate on anything and just want to cry and shut them out. I really feel like I'm heading for the padded cell. Any suggestions anyone?

Hi SadMrsSmith,
I am another with inner voices, and it just makes a bad situation worse. I agree with Nina in that you need as much help as you can get, to help you through this, and the first step is to get yourself registered with a lovely, sympathetic GP who understands where you're coming from. I have read a helpful book (Seasonal Affective Disorder for Dummies) which has lots to say about challenging negative frames of mind and overcoming inner voices. If you are able to access a copy anywhere, you might find it helpful. I know my husband did when I needed him to know what it felt like!

Do try to be kind to yourself! Do some "feel-good" things, whatever that means for you - whatever you will enjoy doing. Arrange some treats so you have something to look forward to. Exercise helps too, so try to keep going to the gym or our for a walk. Sometimes this is the very last thing I feel like doing, but I usually manage to force myself, and it usually helps.

Yes, carbs are a problem, and I am struggling with this one too! My husband often keeps a stash of my favourite chocolate treat in the house for me, but hides it until I am desperate, so I'm not eating it all the time!

As Nina says, do let us know how you're getting on, and remember, it won't always be like this.

Thank you Mrs. Smith for being brave enough to ask your question and thank you Nina, for your answers. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other is this forum. It is INVALUABLE to read that other people are feeling exactly the same as you. Nina, those thoughts in your head, right here too. All day long I'm fighting against the constant discourse in my head that says, "You're a failure. You're crazy. You're never going to get better. Your husband deserves someone healthy. You're scarring your children for life with all your crying and wanting to be left alone. Your boss is going to fire you any minute for being such a loser." I've been in counseling for five years and have learned lots of coping strategies and ways to reverse that kind of thinking, but it's always a battle until Spring. Thank you for your honesty ladies and for sharing.
Love, Koko oxox

Hi That sounds really rough and def one for the doctor. Insist that they do a vitamin D test and even if it's only a bit low I would recommend taking vitamin d supplements. I am finding them really helpful. Other things that help me with SAD are; kissing (!), visiting the South of France, going to mass (I am Catholic), going to 'sunny'activities like a zumba class, meeting people in the mornings, eating healthily, going to bed early and exercising lots. hope that helps xx Fi

Well that's another GP off my list, he was not at all helpful!

I went in and told him what was happening etc and his response was 'well if you won't go on antidepressants all I can offer is psychotherapy'. And then went on to say he couldn't see the difference between me taking over the counter/herbal remedies and ADs. Um yes, there is a difference, I replied, I have no side effects and if I miss a dose of berocca or whatever I don't get paranoid and shaky, I don't have to come off them slowly over several weeks and they don't make me feel like a zombie. Well they're all still drugs, he said. Just didn't get it.

Same when I asked about vit D. Don't do tests, he said, it's not necessary. You can't overdose on vitamins anyway other than vit A, so just get some off the internet if you think it will help. He seemed to know nothing about vit D other than it helps with bone growth and couldn't see how they would be of any benefit. I think he was annoyed that I had done so much research!

I also asked him how I would go about getting a formal diagnosis of SAD as I think this would help other people eg employers to understand. He said I don't need one, there is no route for diagnosis, its just a condition that happens when the clocks go back. I almost suggested he did a bit more research himself, but didn't think he'd take it on board, so I didn't.

I said I would consider the psychotherapy but would I get it in time? He looked blank. I pointed out that the last time I had a referral it took 8 months. Oh well they do have a waiting list, he says. And I can't refer you, you have to do that yourself. So you can't support me by asking that I be seen during the SAD season? I ask. No it is a self-referral system now, you apply and they come to us for your notes.

So I gave up, walked home in a rage, walked back again when I realised I'd left the car there and bought a bar of Galaxy to cheer myself up. Then came home and made soup and gave the chocolate to the kids (well most of it) as I knew it would start me on an insatiable carb binge. Not sure whether to bother with the psychotherapy or not. But I won't be going back to that GP again!

Now happier as I have loads of soup for the next few days (carrot and coriander plus pepper and squash mmmm) and today I have to make cakes for my son's bake sale for Children in Need. Decided to do this after 1pm so I can bring them straight to school at 3 without being tooo tempted to eat them all.

Have a good day all,
Helen xx