Holiday survival

Hi Koko.

I know exactly what you mean. My husband's family are all very loud and gregarious, they love huge get-togethers with lots of drink and singing and dancing(they're Irish, need I say more?!) and they really don't understand why I want to hide away and mope over Christmas and New Year. I even used to take my laptop and claim I had urgent work to do that had to be in the day I got back, just so I could get away.

Gradually over the last 20 years they have got used to it and realised that trying to ply me with drink will not cheer me up one bit and its best to leave me to it and not try to force me to sing/dance/play games. Even so the whole experience is a trial because I always feel guilty that I should join in and by not doing so am somehow making it worse for everyone, even though I can't.

My advice is this.

Most of all, and first of all, be honest with your host and tell them you have to use light treatment for x minutes per day for a medical condition, and that if you disappear from the party for a while not to worry, you just need to have some headspace and to top up your light exposure. An understanding host will, uh, understand. (Sorry, foggy brain today).

Bring some good books and some lavender oil, and retire to bed early to enjoy both. Setting a time in your head at which you can escape the mayhem will help you get through it. Bring your light if you are able, if not try to get outside during daylight hours, offer to go fetch the newspaper or go for walks with one or more of the others, talking to them will make you feel better and you will seem more sociable - lots of people can't be social in a large group but are ok one-on-one.

Try to be a little sociable during the mornings (when everyone else is probably hungover and less talkative, but at least then you have made an effort). Offer to help the host in the kitchen etc to escape the crowd if you can't face being around people.

Alternatively, if all else fails, fake stomach cramps the first evening and blame something you ate before you arrived - noone wants to be around you if they think you're gonna pass on a bug ;-) and you can make it last as long as you want. Though this one will only work for one visit!

As for me, after 20-odd years finally we have come to a compromise. My husband and I and the kids have Christmas together lazing about in pjs eating rubbish and watching rubbish on TV, with the phone off for a few days (and NO SKYPE!) then he takes them to Ireland to do the family hooley thing and I stay home. I don't even have to stay up for New Year's Eve and it gives me a few days peace before the kids go back to school. Although other people may think it's very odd and antisocial and a bit sad for me to be on my own at New Year I LOVE IT!! And my husband can let his hair down with his family without having to worry about whether I'm moping in a corner. The kids already know I'm a miserable moo all winter so they are happy to go along with this - probably quite happy to get away from me for a few days too!!

Be yourself Koko, don't try too hard to fit in or you will only make yourself more stressed and miserable. Try to enjoy at least a part of each day and treat yourself to a relaxing hand massage with that lavender when you go to bed so you get lots of lovely restful sleep.
Take care,
Helen x