Energy ball

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razgruff
joined 22 Mar 2005
57 posts

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Posted by razgruff, 11:32 22 March 2005

Hi guys
I'm new here.

I got a lamp about 3 weeks ago and have been using it for half hour in the mornings when I get up.

And I seem to be riding an energy ball of emotions at the moment.

I'll give you a bit of background

I've suspected that I was SAD for a number of years now, but the doctors just kept pushing pills at me.

I was started on Seroxat about 15 years ago a couple of months after my father died in the November.
He died just 6 weeks after we found out he was ill.
I spent 4 weeks of that time in the hospice sat by his bed waiting for him to die.

I was moved to flouroxtine.
When the problems with Seroxat became known.

I was on and off pills for about 12 years.

I've been very confused in that time feeling like I was going mad.
I couldn't understand why I just couldn't get out of bed and go to work.
I'd lose my job get in debt. add more worry and stress.

I developed techniques to survive.
Started looking back over my life trying to figure out WHY???

It became apparent that when I was in jobs working outside I didn't fall over so much.

I started to suspect that I was SAD. But what do I know? I'm no doctor.
So I didn't work in factories or warehouses now.

I still fell over a couple of times, but I was still trying to sort out if my madness was caused by the anti depressions or SAD or just my life in general.
I managed to kick the habit of running to the Doctors for pills.

With working outside I've managed to hold a job down for 3 years(It's the same job that I'm in now)

I'd have some mornings where I couldn't get up but I managed to push myself and didn't get into the not getting out of bed for days routine.

I decided to get divorced about 2 years ago.
My wife had started drinking and we were just not good for each other.

I managed to move out last August spend a year in a grotty flat thought the winter until the house was sold, with only 2 small fall downs as I call them.

The house was sold and September this year I moved into a much better flat, brought a new motorbike and life was looking rosy.

The person who keep me going thought my divorce moved because of work.
But I felt safe and secure.
I only ever suspected that I was on the severe scale of winter Blues and not on the SAD scale as it were.

Then I had a small problem with my computer which I couldn't solve.
My speech started to go.
I know this is a sign of stress in me, I knew it was beginning to happen again.
But I became a kind of passenger in my own body unable to drive it.

Luckily because of the house sale, I now had money to see a therapist.I was determined to nail this thing once and for all.

I was pretty much conducting my own experiment.
The therapist helped me resolve a lot of issues and I brought a body clock thinking that would be enough.
After all, I'm not that bad :- /
returned to work the week before Christmas feeling I was back in control.
Didn't make it back to work after the Christmas break.

Just got into the old routine of getting up late staring at a wall for an hour or so, go back to bed, staring at walls, back to bed etc etc
Couldn't be bothered to eat properly.
Even lied to my Therapist and told him I Was at work and everything was fine, told the same lie to the girlfriend.
I didn't want the fuss or looks. from people

Because of the earlier visits with the therapist.
I managed to break the cycle of getting into the self loathing of myself.
Finally,, I bit the bullet, spent the money and brought a Zeus max lamp.

My speech is back, so is my memory.
I'm climbing the walls with energy, can't wait to get back to work.

I'm experiencing some of the stuff I used to in the past like rages.
But now I know th reason for them.
Where I didn't before.
They seem to be a kinda level of depression that I pass through.
When there's that bit of me still trying to push me.

I've seem to have found the cure, but does this mean who I am has changed.
I just really confused at the moment.

I'm not used to this feeling of confidence and having my memory work again.

I'm confused about who I am now, I can't seem to put all the pieces of me together.

has anybody else experienced anything similar.
I'm seeing my GP on Thurs and I'm making an appointment to see the therapist again.

It really does feel like waking up after a few years of sleep.

Ray

azmum
joined 22 Feb 2005
32 posts

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Posted by azmum, 13:52 22 March 2005

Hi ray, I joined a few weeks ago having gone through similar things to you, depression, agorphobia, not being able to cope with my job etc. Like you it suddenly clicked that I had been suffering with SAD these last few Winters.

Glad to see the lightbox has worked for you. It gives me hope for next Autumn. I am going to start using a lightbox next September, so its good that it is working with you.

Hope things stay good for you

whirlwindgirly
joined 5 Dec 2004
105 posts

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Posted by whirlwindgirly, 21:37 22 March 2005

Hi razgruff,

Every spring is a period of self discovery for me... a reawakening. my SAD begins with anger... then lethargy... then apathy... then full blown depression.. coming out of it I am full blown... then apathy... then lethargy... then anger. i understand the feeling of not knowing who you are.. after all, you haven't really been yourself for quite a few months now.

I've been thinking about this too. It seems to take me a whole summer to finally be me again properly after re-discovering myself... and then it hits again and I lose myself for another winter... hence, my recent decision to move to Spain. I'm fed up of this horrible illness affecting and disrupting my, and close friends and families lives.

I'm angry right now. Angry that, looking back, I see how many years SAD has robbed me of being myself.. of knowing who I really am. I'm sick of being on this rollercoaster ride... if I don't know who I am then how can I ever build stable relationships and friendships? How can other people know who I am?

Unfortunately I have lost so much through this illness... but I understand what you're saying. Self identity can be a big thing to find when we lose it so much.

Good luck and congrats on your lightbox purchase.

Ruth.

razgruff
joined 22 Mar 2005
57 posts

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Posted by razgruff, 22:22 22 March 2005

I seemed to have levelled out today :D

I ate for the first time in 4 days. I didn't go to sleep till 5 this morning, but got up when the alarm when at 9 this morning.
Did 1/2 hour on the box and some exercise and a mate came round.
I've been feeling sleepy all day, but I've resisted the urge to go back to bed.
I think I may have the sleeping pattern cracked in a week or so :D

I'm angry right now. Angry that, looking back, I see how many years SAD has robbed me of being myself.. of knowing who I really am. I'm sick of being on this rollercoaster ride... if I don't know who I am then how can I ever build stable relationships and friendships? How can other people know who I am?

Unfortunately I have lost so much through this illness... but I understand what you're saying. Self identity can be a big thing to find when we lose it so much.

Today so much has become clearer.
I'm remembering when was was at school and skiving off.
Particularly my Wednesday all morning Physic's class's, which were held in a room with the the windows screened, and no natural light.

Physic's equations and no light, no bloody wonder I couldn't do them.
I left school with no qualifications even thou up till about 14, I was in the top band at school.

It's so much is clearer now.

And like you Ruth.
I'm angry, how many kids are failing at school and becoming tearaways because of a simple thing like having natural light in the classrooms.

I feel very robbed, It was my 41st birthday 3 weeks ago.
All the debt, worry and stress I had, and caused other people just because my brain was crying out for a bit more light to function properly.

But I'm feeling positive, taking it gently thou just to make sure I'm not on a false threshold.

It's going to be a very interesting year this year.
I think I may finally get to meet myself :shock:

whirlwindgirly
joined 5 Dec 2004
105 posts

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Posted by whirlwindgirly, 20:19 23 March 2005

You sound like a very lovely person. I'm sure when you meet yourself you will both become the best of friends!

Ruth

Bright One
joined 29 Jan 2003
226 posts

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Posted by Bright One, 09:34 24 March 2005

I've found that every year I stick with my routine the routine becomes easier and well... more routine.

Every year I stick with my routine I lose less of me when the days get dark. I don't have to lock as much of myself away. I still fall down. But success is measured by how quickly I pick myself up again.

In winter it always felt as though I had to take parts of me, my personality, and lock them away - and I was angry because they always seemed to be the best bits, the funniest, most colourful, loveable bits.
In part, I had to lock them away because they were too precious for me to be trusted to look after them and, in part, because I couldn't figure out how they worked or fitted together. I suppose, subconsciously, I decided that the safest thing was to put them somewhere safe.

And I would lose the key. I couldn't even go and look at them or try them on in my calm, reflective moments. In the middle of my worst winter I fell over and I never thought I would ever be me again. I couldn't see anything that was attractive. I couldn't believe anyone would want to know me because, frankly, I didn't want to know me.

But every year, around about now, I'd remember where the key was. It wasn't lost, just somewhere safe. I would start to unpack the best bits. Each one carefully wrapped, folded so carefully. It was like finding treasure. Each bit might be a little fusty, musty smelling or be a bit tarnished. But with a bit of airing and polishing it all looks and feels and smells fresh again.

And every year I stick with my routine I haven't had to lock so many things away. In fact this year I haven't locked anything away. I still have a safe place to put them in case I stumble and sometimes it takes a while for me to remember how they work or which way up they go... but I don't feel like I've lost myself.

I'm afraid I find it easier to talk in analogies. It's easier for me to write about it if I can describe it in other terms that people would understand.

I think it's easier for people to understand how it feels to lose something special, something more real than a feeling, emotion, skill or talent. To have that feeling of dread that it might be in the bin...
and the bin men came yesterday...
or you might have packed it up and given it away in a moment of radial reorganisation. And, certain that it has gone forever the realisation dawns it is one of the most precious things you have ever possessed... and no one else will ever understand because it only has value to you. To anyone else it is worthless and vapid, you couldn't even sell it on the internet.

This post is intended as a reassurance. It is intended to let you know that at the age of 27 (next Tuesday) having been able to trace the earliest memorable manifestation of SAD symptoms (albeit quite mild - gradually developing into the beast that is my SAD) back at least 13 years and probably more if I think back to my strange sleeping patterns when I was much younger... I feel like I may have got SAD under control (it could all go tits up though!).

It can get easier. Be good to yourselves... Because you're worth it?! Because this is more important than shampoo?

Bright One

Anonymous
joined 21 May 2012
29216 posts

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Posted by Anonymous, 18:51 24 March 2005

Thank-you brightone that was beautifully described i just filled up reading it.I havn't posted for a long time because im dealing with M.E. as well and feel at the minute like ive lost the plot but posts like these convince me that i am on the right track but and hopefully i will get better at it.Thank-you to everyone on this forum your posts are so reasuring and comforting.God Bless you all xo

razgruff
joined 22 Mar 2005
57 posts

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Posted by razgruff, 19:52 24 March 2005

And I would lose the key. I couldn't even go and look at them or try them on in my calm, reflective moments. In the middle of my worst winter I fell over and I never thought I would ever be me again. I couldn't see anything that was attractive. I couldn't believe anyone would want to know me because, frankly, I didn't want to know me.

But every year, around about now, I'd remember where the key was. It wasn't lost, just somewhere safe. I would start to unpack the best bits. Each one carefully wrapped, folded so carefully. It was like finding treasure. Each bit might be a little fusty, musty smelling or be a bit tarnished. But with a bit of airing and polishing it all looks and feels and smells fresh again.

And every year I stick with my routine I haven't had to lock so many things away. In fact this year I haven't locked anything away. I still have a safe place to put them in case I stumble and sometimes it takes a while for me to remember how they work or which way up they go... but I don't feel like I've lost myself.

You sum it up beautifully Bright One :D

I've never come out of hibernation so quick before.
And to tell you the truth it scared the Sh*t out of me.

You know those safety locks that you place on yourself, to try and protect people around you.
they kinda got ripped outta my hands and I wasn't sure if I could keep the lid on me.

I'm kinda used to the deep depressed period, but the raging and the weeping was just so hard this time.

I felt like I'd been fired from a cannon into a brick wall and there were parts of me all over the floor.

I didn't recognise some bits, I didn't know how they fitted together, or anything.

really, really, shook me up.

I felt like I'd dropped 1/2 kilo of speed.

But yesterday I found bits of me I hadn't seen for years. :shock:
It was wonderful
:D

Bright One
joined 29 Jan 2003
226 posts

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Posted by Bright One, 13:27 4 April 2005

Raz, I'm glad the jigsaw of you is coming together. It's wonderful when the missing pieces turn up AND you know where they go!

B1

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